Olegstradamus – The August Quatrains

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Peer through the haze of the Lucky Strikes and behold the future!

1. In December, the Calgary Flames, Winnipeg Jets, and Carolina Hurricanes will look to hire Supply Chain managers. These new front office roles will over see player transactions based on LIFO and FIFO (players from which GM go first), inventory assessment (tape, sewing kits, and extra nets are movable assets too!), and bulk shipping and transportation costs (“We can send 4 players to Vancouver in one deal if we categorize them as popsicles…”).

2. Gary Bettman Aviators will be the hottest merchandise going at the Winter Classic in DC.

3. Isles jerseys, featuring the 2013-14 roster, remain $37.25. Well, available for as long as the warehouse in Kentucky has them. Wade Dubielewicz makes the cut because.

4. James Reimer will appear on Oprah to admit he plagiarized his book.

5. Jon Bon Jovi and Terry Pagula will be the last two standing for control of the Philadelphia Soul Buffalo Bills. BAH GAWD, KING! THAT’S DONALD TRUMP’S MUSIC!

6. The Phoenix Pablo Picasso’s Arizona Coyotes will debut a different alternate jersey, the Seattle Salmon, in preparation for their move north in 2020.

7. George Parros and Paul Bissonnette sign with NXT when after receiving no offers from NHL clubs. Parros will quickly make the main roster and take on Sting at Wm31. Biz Nasty, on the other hand, will tag team with Zack Ryder against catering.

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