A new year, a fresh pack. Unfiltered because there’s no other way.
Gaze into the second-hand of the future!
1. The Colorado Avalanche investigate the CBA and find a roster loophole. Reto Berra’s new title is “Jarvis” and his new position will allow for a perpetual indentured servitude roster spot behind the starting goaltender(s). Berra, to his credit and detriment, has remained neutral.
2. Washington Capitals superfans The Brouwer Rangers will sneak into the All Star Game in Columbus, OH because…this isn’t a joke anymore. The ASG uniforms are a horror show. And who would even notice if two Red Rangers were skating in the 2nd period?
3. Brian Burke, loyal to a fault and perpetually stuck in the past, will replace Bob (H)Artley with the newly single Randy Carlyle behind the Flames bench. Why? It’s Brian Burke, who knows.
4. Slovakia will announce it will send the 2015 WJHC bronze medal team to the World Championships in the Czech Republic. When asked why they were going to send a bunch of 19yos to play the best of the Oilers, Coyotes, Senators, and Hurricanes, Hockey Slovakia shrugged and said, “Have you seen the Oilers and Hurricanes?”
5. Plans are already in place for a team (Western conference…?) to hire Paul MacLean and acquire Daniel Briere. The Beatles jokes alone will sell tickets.
6. Whatever trade Boston makes will sink them. There’s something bigger at play there.
Capitol District Islander 