Peer through the haze of the Lucky Strikes and behold the future!
1. “Jumbo” Joe Thornton will be the Goldilocks of this summer’s player market. He won’t be a Ranger (“Too young”, says Glen), nor will he be a Blackhawk (“Too old”, scoffs Stan), he will be a Lightning (“Juuuust riiiight”, moaned Stevie). Yzerman tells the media he wants a Canadian Olympian who can help his team win. Marty St. Louis seen breaking a stack of bricks with his hand.
2. If the Kings win the Cup again, Montreal will organize a riot to protest LA’s applauding of Gary Bettman. The Commish will shed a single tear for the first time in his cybernetic existence.
3. More from San Jose: The Sharks will get a Stadium Series game in 2015, and they’ll play suspended over a real shark tank. That’s one way to stop a Shark from choking.
4. Martin Brodeur will sign with the Washington Capitals, because goaltending was their biggest weakness and he’ll be the fix. “The issue has never been the blueline,” says Ted Leonsis.
5. New rule under discussion to avoid shootouts: After first 5 minutes of overtime teams will be forced to switch goalies out for their GMs. Islanders, Flyers, and Penguins all nod approvingly.
6. The Leafs will trade Phil Kessel for offensive and back end help. Because even Sheriff Shanny can’t change the culture of Toronto.
7. Ryan Miller to Winnipeg.
8. Regis P. McGuire will be the next GM of the San Jose Sharks.